my problem has been solved! thanks to infini_iv Thank you!

so that's one good thing...and unfortunately the only one to happen today...

everything else still sucks! and I'm in a lot of pain, but what else is new?

can try and distract myself with Crisis Core...though we're not exactly dealing with 'happy times' here.

*sigh*

another day that I feel like I've wasted...I don't know what it would take to make me feel like it was a good day, or even just okay but I haven't found it yet. I got a little writing done today but I'm just not happy with anything I'm coming up with, which leaves me frustrated.

I hate evenings mostly because I end up not wanting to go to bed, but there's nothing I want to do to pass the time while I'm up. can't win for trying...



this is my cousin's Cornish Rex Logan, I love the way his tail curls I've never seen another Rex do that before.

( more pictures )

so there's another day gone...how much longer before its all over? or at least I get this fic finished and posted?

I'm trying to fill some of my time with writing, anything that will catch my attention. But inevitably I get to the point where I look at what I've written and think 'this is not worth reading' which leaves me with nothing to do...

Why did writing have to get so hard all of a sudden?

There really isn't anything else for me to do...

*sigh*

don't know what to say at the moment.

I have a very strong suspicion it won't make a difference one way or the other.

I hate looking forward to something only to have that interest leave, makes me feel empty.

and I'm already so tired...

at the moment I hate everything...

I can't expect anyone to understand, I just want that part of my brain to shut down, so I stop thinking about this >_<

I'm not worth this!

Not working leaves me with far to much time on my hands. However trying to motivate myself to do things with the depression in incredibly difficult, I suppose that should go without saying.

I try to fill my time with writing and video games, and that can do it. I can entertain myself perfectly with those, most of the time. Although they do leave me feeling like a blob ^_~ and while there are people out there who love their blob's ^_~ I want to do something.

I see commercials about boflex, I'm silly enough to want to buy one, I know if I did it would end up in the basement not getting used ^_~ but we do have two pieces of exercise equipment downstairs, which I can make use of. So I've decided to start a regiment of 20 minutes a week 3 times a week like they suggest in the boflex commercials and see how I feel. How well I keep it up and the like.

My dad thinks the activity and structure it'll bring to my life will do me a lot of good. He'd like to see me doing a lot of different things during the day, but I don't really see that happening right now. But this is a start, and I'm happy about this start so I guess that's the most important thing right now.

So here's hoping I can keep this up, and it'll do me a little good for a while.

so I just now find out that I'm not going to the Keg tonight...but that mom and dad decided to do it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is dad's birthday so that's a good thing...he wants to hit a bucked of balls at the golf dome...not such a good thing...but I'll bring my PSP and play some Jeanne D'arc

I don't know why not knowing that until now irritates me so much...I don't want to be upset right now I was handling my day fairly well, and the last thing I want is to crash. I'd really like a night when I just remain the same...

Oh and I think the CBC has just reached a new low in their broadcasting...The Week the Women Went....ummm What the Hell?! oh well, not like I have to watch it ^_~

So now what?

more Jeanne D'arc? Some writing perhaps?

guess I'll just have to wait and see ^_~

Oh and I think I'd really like to get my hands on another PSP version of the Sims...I think I like the restrictions that exist in those versions over the freedom in the PC Sims *laughs* Don't give me absolute freedom it terrifies me ^_~

Parents are planning on taking me out to the Keg tonight for dinner.

I really do love eating at the Keg, the steaks they do there are so good! yummy!

I just hope I'm in a decent mood tonight....I certainly wasn't last night, but there's a first time for everything.

Started writing the next chapter for Lift me Up yesterday, haven't got very far but ideas are coming and there's a scene I'm looking forward to slipping in there hoping you'll all like ^_~

how many different way can I say:

I'm tired I wish I were dead...

私は私が死んでいた…ことを疲れている、私望む

我疲乏，我祝愿我是死的…

Ik ben vermoeid, wens dit ik ik… dood was

Je suis fatigué, je souhaite que j'aie été mort…

Ich bin, ich wünsche müde, dass ich war tot…

Sono stanco, io desidero che sia stato guasto…

나는 나가 다는 것을… 피로하다, 나 바란다

Eu sou cansado, mim desejo que eu estava inoperante…

Я утомлен, я желаю я было мертв…

Soy cansado, yo deseo que era muerto…

Well that appears to be it...who knows how bad the grammar is...but I was bored and this is truly how I feel at the moment *sigh*

In so much pain I think I may just vomit...

no understanding, just blank looks...

can't do this much longer

I don't know what's happening...maybe I've been on the computer too long, or what? but my eyes haven't wanted to focus on the computer screen in fact I can't stand looking at it the feeling is driving me insane >_<

Arg!

I guess I won't be getting any writing done today...

Edit: I put on a pair of reading glasses, I bought them for my Robin costume, not caring what strength they were. But they're helping me see more comfortably. That icky feeling is gone for now, so at least I can work on the computer without further problems until I have my eyes looked at by a professional.

Went to Kingston creepy early this morning...funny what's become early to me now. I used to think 6 was early but now I'm waking up consistently at 9 which is when mom woke me up, she wanted to be one the road by 9:30.

I was still trying to think of something not too expensive that I could buy that would lead to a little happiness, asked AJ and Kim for suggestions. Kim suggested heading to the bead store to maybe get supplies to make a new bracelet.

I found a bunch of bone beads that I really liked and ended up with an awesome bracelet that I'm very happy with. Two of the bead on it make me think of Gir from Invader Zim

I'm sure I'm the only one who could see it but there it is ^_^ I think Gir is so darn cute!!

Tired! never got a nap today, will have to go to bed early tonight...no real reason to stay up that I can think of.

tired despite the fact that I drank 3 bottles of BAWLS today >_< Oh the caffeine and I'm still yawning.

I'm not really and Earth First sort of woman...

I've always been a fan of Earth First We'll Strip Mine the Other Planets Later ^_~

But that doesn't mean I like seeing fecal matter floating on top of the water in the lake *shudder* That's just disgusting, and smells really REALLY terrible...and makes me want to take a chemical shower for having ever set foot inside that water.

I'm sure it's not always that bad, and sever weather can cause sewage to overflow the system. But really, this much?

Mom asked if I wanted to take a walk with her along the shore line in Port Hope, the waterfront in both Port Hope and Coboroug is extremely beautiful. And since it's been suggested to me that I get out of the house a little and we were already out and about I agreed thought it might to me a little good.

It really is a beautiful day here, cool nice breeze sunny. But as we started walking I decided to take a narrow path down to the water there was this weird algae growing on some stones, and the closer I got to the water the more it smelled like a open septic system.

Further down the beautiful path mom and I both approached the water, no green algae this time just black water with fecal matter floating on the surface and slowly building on the shore, the smell was over powering >_< bleh!

Still managed to be a nice walk, we just avoided the water. I'd like to be able to go back with my camera and take some pictures of the area it's really quite beautiful! I'd also be interested to see if the water improves at all. I can't say for sure if the beaches in the area have been closed at all during the summer, but I've vowed never to set foot in Lake Ontario again!

I feel the sunshine...

but I hate it.

cause the darkness comes

and then the chaos...

and I'm back in my blackness again...

I haven't got an serious writing done yet today...I sowwy neekabe there's still time I just don't see a hell of a lot happening for me.

I have however added another fic to my roster ^_^

this one is being written especially for ramenparty so I can't blame it on you neekabe *pouts* I'm sure I'll find a way if it starts to feel odd to you ^_~

but I've got titles ^_^

Supernatural/Highlander - The Hunt for Immortality

Supernatural - Lift me Up

can't say much about this one except its something I've never attempted before, that being it's only Supernatural, no other characters, not sure when I'm going to be able to work on it, still working out ideas and the like, but I'm pretty excited to work on it.

in other news, I am a sleepy kitty.

today hasn't been worth much not since I woke up...

spent a rather relaxing morning at the Avid Reader helping out Wendy and Julie with odd jobs. It was just a nice way to distract myself from life, although I can feel the darkness of life closing in again.

Especially considering I've had no luck so far in getting this disability ball rolling...and I'm not going to feel the least bit relaxed until I've got something concrete. I want to know that I'm covered, that work is one stress off my shoulders.

Something surprising that I just found out, my parent's drug plan actually covered me until I was 21 which means I could be getting some money back from all my damn prescriptions, provided we can still find them. I'm pretty sure they're in a drawer marked for taxes.

*sigh*

Not sure what else I'm going to do with my day, I haven't eaten anything since around lunch yesterday I think...and I can't say I'm particularly hungry and the moment, which is just par for the cours really.

I've been on an emotional roller coaster all day, starting I think, when I forgot to take my meds last night. And I already didn't want to go to work, this certainly didn't help.

I survived work, thankfully there weren't that many orders. But once again Joan brought up the possibility of my working on Sundays, I've already told her twice that I can't work Sundays...I'm just wondering how many times it's going to take to get it through her head. I'm not legally obligated to work Sundays.

probably go to bed early tonight, since I didn't sleep well last night.

In conclusion today really sucked.

Can only hope tomorrows better.

But after so long I don't want to hold my breath...

been a long tiring day...

I thought there was something I'd actually wanted to post, but I can't remember so it must have been a lie.

Today was a day where 'If it can go wrong it did' rather frustrating, but I'm just glad to be home where I can crawl into my bed and pretend the world doesn't exist anymore.

Tomorrow we're taking off for Kingston to see my brother and Kim, which I'm looking forward to.

*sigh*

Time to sleep!

first time in what feels like months, I worked an extra day at work, Joan called yesterday to ask if I'd mind coming in today to give them a hand making Mother's Day cakes. It was nice to feel like I could say yes without worrying about what would happen the next day.

But on the other hand yesterday also had my first serious crash in a long time...Can't be more than a week or two, but it always feels like it's been much longer. When I crash even after a couple of days it always feels like the first time again.

but work went well, I was there longer than I'd first expected, I'd hoped to get out of there at 11:00...but I didn't get out until just before 2:00 ^_~ Oh well, I work again on friday ^_^ so maybe I can sleep in tomorrow ^_~

There are a number of downsides to taking painkillers...there's only one that I'm ever really bothered by.

As I feel the Codeine wear off I can feel the depression creep back in, and after feeling so good, even if it's only for around four hours...it makes the depression feel a hell of a lot worse.

I knew this would happen though...

and I'll take it. It's either that or return to the way things were, which isn't any better believe me.

can I jump of the fucking roof please?

just how I feel at the moment.